The truth

Today, I take the stand in the courtroom of my soul.  My authentic self solemnly swears to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth: I've been really depressed these last few weeks.  Not the old run-of-the-mill I've got the blues depressed, but the why am I here? depressed.  And it's been plaguing me.  Yes, I know I miss Chris, but that's not the root cause.  Yes, I know I'm exhausted from working a lot of OT at the nine-to-whenever, but that's not it, either.  What is the issue??

It hit me this evening.  And it wasn't pleasant.  (I find that being honest with myself often hurts a little, but only because my eyes needed to be opened!)  My sources of validation have failed.  My relationship ended.  Distance has given me the ability to see it (and him) in the brighter light of reality.  The honeymoon at my job is over.  I've been disappointed.  It's not exactly what I thought it would be.  Ick.

The real problem isn't that people, jobs and relationships are imperfect, because we are imperfect beings living in an imperfect world.  The problem is that I have allowed things outside of myself to determine my worth, my value as a person.  Ouch!  Didn't I learn this lesson already?  Come on! 

Yet, I have to get over my frustration and realize that, I, too, am imperfect.  Though I wish that I was always able to learn my lessons on the first (or second, or sometimes fifth) go 'round, I often have to repeat my errors many times until it finally sinks in.

Happiness, peace and joy don't come from another person.  They don't come from a job.  I believe that happiness, peace and joy (and probably a few other wonderful things) come from having a purpose.  Answering a calling.  Whatever you want to call it.

Finding our purpose is what drives many of us.  It's the reason we ask, "Isn't there more to life than this??"  Yes, there is!  I am convinced.  But it doesn't always walk up and smack us in the face.  It takes honesty, and the courage to look beyond your pain.  Not seeking quick-fixes to cover up the pain, but truly taking time to ask yourself the right questions and then taking time to listen to your inner voice for the answers.

I have a pretty good idea of my purpose, but it's not something that I can do 24/7 right now.  It's not going to pay the bills...yet.  Regardless, I cannot give up on pursuing it as often as I can, in as many ways as I can.  I've found that when I take one tiny step, God takes several big ones.  So I'm going to identify where I can take those steps, and rely on God for the rest.  In the meantime, I'm going to accept life's imperfections, refusing to let them bring me down.

That's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God!

A call to consciousness

Wisdom often shows up unexpectedly, especially when you're not looking for it.  A prime example took place this morning: Wisdom showed up out of the blue as I was getting ready for work.  I had closed the bathroom door just before hopping in the shower, consequently shutting Kitty in the bathroom with me.  Kitty, given name Oreo, aka "Fussbuckets", very much enjoys her freedom.  She does not like being locked up in any room, which she makes perfectly clear whenever it should happen (thus earning the "Fussbuckets" nickname!).

As soon as Kitty realized that she was now a prisoner, being held hostage by my evil self, she began to wail.  And wail.  In an attempt to soothe her, I began to explain that her entrapment was only temporary, that I would be finished soon, yadda yadda yadda.  (I know I'm not the only one that tries to reason with my animals...right?!)  In the midst of pleading my case to Kitty, I said something like this: "I know it seems permanent, Kitty, but really, the door will be open momentarily.  Just relax and chill out until then."  And then it hit me: there are doors in my own life that seem to be closed right now.  No amount of wailing, crying, screaming, or complaining is going to open doors that are not ready or meant to be open.  Not only that, but what purpose is being served by staring at a closed door (or desperately seeking one that is open)?  Would I not be better served by living in the present moment, experiencing whatever is right now, being fully here for this minute, this hour, this day?

The Universe - infinite in Wisdom, by the way - has got it under control.  Doors will be opened at the proper time.  Doors will be closed at the proper time.  It's not my job to worry about which ones are open to me; it's my job to explore those that are, considering whatever they have to offer, while being wholly present and authentic.

Wow.  That is a simple yet powerful call: to live in the moment.  So I'm striving to be present; 100% engaged, right here, right now.  Care to join me?

Love is...

Love is a lot of different things to a lot of different people.  Here are a few things that love is to me.

Love is being aware of someone’s flaws and accepting them just the way they are

Love is gentle encouragement, unwavering support

Love is giving another the freedom to be who they are without judgment

Love is letting someone go so they can find their own way

Love is celebrating happiness and achievement together, as well as commiserating sadness and loss

Love is being there

Love is being honest, even when it’s not easy to do so

Love is a tender kiss on the forehead when you think no one’s watching

Love is extending the benefit of the doubt

Love is allowing another to follow their dreams

Love is freedom from obligation

Love is wanting to, not having to

Love is indisputable commitment, unlimited compassion

Love is a reassuring word, a hug, a gentle squeeze of the hand

Love is sharing an inside joke

Love is finding common ground to bridge your differences

Love is putting another’s needs before your own (without ignoring your own)

Love truly makes the world go ‘round

What does love mean to you?  I'd love to hear some of your thoughts!

If not me, then who?

If I will not go the extra mile, how will I reach my destination?

If I am not willing to forgive and forget, why should anyone else be willing to do so?

If I am not willing to be the bigger person, how can I expect someone else to step up?

If I am not willing to challenge to status quo, how will change occur?

If I am not willing to be vulnerable, how will anyone else open up?

If I am not willing to expect more than mediocrity, who will raise the bar?

If I won’t go out on a limb, why would anyone else want to risk it?

If I am not willing to take a chance, how will I know the difference one person can make?

If I am too afraid to reach out, to say hello, to smile, how will we connect?

If I am not willing to stand up for what I believe in, how will revolution begin?

If I am not willing to take responsibility for myself, how can I expect others to be held accountable for their actions?

If I will not claim my own power, how can I blame another for taking it away?

If not me, then who?

If not you, then who?

"Be the change you want to see in the world." Ghandi