The truth

Today, I take the stand in the courtroom of my soul.  My authentic self solemnly swears to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth: I've been really depressed these last few weeks.  Not the old run-of-the-mill I've got the blues depressed, but the why am I here? depressed.  And it's been plaguing me.  Yes, I know I miss Chris, but that's not the root cause.  Yes, I know I'm exhausted from working a lot of OT at the nine-to-whenever, but that's not it, either.  What is the issue??

It hit me this evening.  And it wasn't pleasant.  (I find that being honest with myself often hurts a little, but only because my eyes needed to be opened!)  My sources of validation have failed.  My relationship ended.  Distance has given me the ability to see it (and him) in the brighter light of reality.  The honeymoon at my job is over.  I've been disappointed.  It's not exactly what I thought it would be.  Ick.

The real problem isn't that people, jobs and relationships are imperfect, because we are imperfect beings living in an imperfect world.  The problem is that I have allowed things outside of myself to determine my worth, my value as a person.  Ouch!  Didn't I learn this lesson already?  Come on! 

Yet, I have to get over my frustration and realize that, I, too, am imperfect.  Though I wish that I was always able to learn my lessons on the first (or second, or sometimes fifth) go 'round, I often have to repeat my errors many times until it finally sinks in.

Happiness, peace and joy don't come from another person.  They don't come from a job.  I believe that happiness, peace and joy (and probably a few other wonderful things) come from having a purpose.  Answering a calling.  Whatever you want to call it.

Finding our purpose is what drives many of us.  It's the reason we ask, "Isn't there more to life than this??"  Yes, there is!  I am convinced.  But it doesn't always walk up and smack us in the face.  It takes honesty, and the courage to look beyond your pain.  Not seeking quick-fixes to cover up the pain, but truly taking time to ask yourself the right questions and then taking time to listen to your inner voice for the answers.

I have a pretty good idea of my purpose, but it's not something that I can do 24/7 right now.  It's not going to pay the bills...yet.  Regardless, I cannot give up on pursuing it as often as I can, in as many ways as I can.  I've found that when I take one tiny step, God takes several big ones.  So I'm going to identify where I can take those steps, and rely on God for the rest.  In the meantime, I'm going to accept life's imperfections, refusing to let them bring me down.

That's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God!

A call to consciousness

Wisdom often shows up unexpectedly, especially when you're not looking for it.  A prime example took place this morning: Wisdom showed up out of the blue as I was getting ready for work.  I had closed the bathroom door just before hopping in the shower, consequently shutting Kitty in the bathroom with me.  Kitty, given name Oreo, aka "Fussbuckets", very much enjoys her freedom.  She does not like being locked up in any room, which she makes perfectly clear whenever it should happen (thus earning the "Fussbuckets" nickname!).

As soon as Kitty realized that she was now a prisoner, being held hostage by my evil self, she began to wail.  And wail.  In an attempt to soothe her, I began to explain that her entrapment was only temporary, that I would be finished soon, yadda yadda yadda.  (I know I'm not the only one that tries to reason with my animals...right?!)  In the midst of pleading my case to Kitty, I said something like this: "I know it seems permanent, Kitty, but really, the door will be open momentarily.  Just relax and chill out until then."  And then it hit me: there are doors in my own life that seem to be closed right now.  No amount of wailing, crying, screaming, or complaining is going to open doors that are not ready or meant to be open.  Not only that, but what purpose is being served by staring at a closed door (or desperately seeking one that is open)?  Would I not be better served by living in the present moment, experiencing whatever is right now, being fully here for this minute, this hour, this day?

The Universe - infinite in Wisdom, by the way - has got it under control.  Doors will be opened at the proper time.  Doors will be closed at the proper time.  It's not my job to worry about which ones are open to me; it's my job to explore those that are, considering whatever they have to offer, while being wholly present and authentic.

Wow.  That is a simple yet powerful call: to live in the moment.  So I'm striving to be present; 100% engaged, right here, right now.  Care to join me?

Love is...

Love is a lot of different things to a lot of different people.  Here are a few things that love is to me.

Love is being aware of someone’s flaws and accepting them just the way they are

Love is gentle encouragement, unwavering support

Love is giving another the freedom to be who they are without judgment

Love is letting someone go so they can find their own way

Love is celebrating happiness and achievement together, as well as commiserating sadness and loss

Love is being there

Love is being honest, even when it’s not easy to do so

Love is a tender kiss on the forehead when you think no one’s watching

Love is extending the benefit of the doubt

Love is allowing another to follow their dreams

Love is freedom from obligation

Love is wanting to, not having to

Love is indisputable commitment, unlimited compassion

Love is a reassuring word, a hug, a gentle squeeze of the hand

Love is sharing an inside joke

Love is finding common ground to bridge your differences

Love is putting another’s needs before your own (without ignoring your own)

Love truly makes the world go ‘round

What does love mean to you?  I'd love to hear some of your thoughts!

If not me, then who?

If I will not go the extra mile, how will I reach my destination?

If I am not willing to forgive and forget, why should anyone else be willing to do so?

If I am not willing to be the bigger person, how can I expect someone else to step up?

If I am not willing to challenge to status quo, how will change occur?

If I am not willing to be vulnerable, how will anyone else open up?

If I am not willing to expect more than mediocrity, who will raise the bar?

If I won’t go out on a limb, why would anyone else want to risk it?

If I am not willing to take a chance, how will I know the difference one person can make?

If I am too afraid to reach out, to say hello, to smile, how will we connect?

If I am not willing to stand up for what I believe in, how will revolution begin?

If I am not willing to take responsibility for myself, how can I expect others to be held accountable for their actions?

If I will not claim my own power, how can I blame another for taking it away?

If not me, then who?

If not you, then who?

"Be the change you want to see in the world." Ghandi

Sowing the Seeds of Love

I was recently having dinner with some of my closest peeps.  Over the course of our discussion, we started to talk badly about some people that we know.  Not people we would have chosen to come into our lives, necessarily, but who are part of our stories nevertheless.  After a few minutes, I suggested that we change the subject to something else, and we moved right along.

On my drive home, it really began to bother me.  If I am truly going to live a life of love, that means extending grace and mercy in unlimited quantities, especially to those that I might think deserve it “least”.  And let’s be honest, these people are no more flawed than me, but perhaps their flaws are just more obvious.  It’s far too easy to pick apart someone who very clearly doesn’t have it all  together.   Our thoughts, our words, our beliefs…we send these out into the world, and they are woven in with your thoughts, words and beliefs, as well as everyone else’s thoughts, words and beliefs, to collectively create the fabric of our world.  Do I really want to add more nastiness, negativity or hate?  Do I want to diminish love, or do I want to increase it??  Of course, I want to do the latter.  But it’s not enough to say I want to do it; I must live it.  So I must consciously watch my words, control my thoughts, and ultimately, guard my heart, because my words are a reflection of my heart.

What’s your heart condition?  Are you building others up or tearing them down?  Are you making the world a brighter, more loving place, or are you contributing to the darkness?

Lord, let me be a beacon of love in this sometimes cold, cruel world.  Let me speak words of encouragement rather than judgment.  Let me spend less time talking about living a life of love, and more time showing love through my actions.

The Sweetness of Freedom

“Smeagol is freeeeeee!!”  That’s a line from [arguably] the greatest book/movie trilogy of all-time, The Lord of the Rings.  The cursed creature Smeagol realizes that he is finally free from his menacing alter-ego Gollum, and he expresses his freedom exuberantly.  How did he obtain such freedom? you may be wondering.  It’s simple: he made a choice.

In the very same way as Smeagol, we either choose to be free, or we choose to be prisoners.  Many of us choose to be prisoners.  I chose to be a prisoner of my own making for years.  I was “trapped” by my job, my finances, or whatever other circumstances made for a convenient excuse not to take responsibility for my own happiness.

I’m not sure why so many of us make this choice.  Maybe it is easier.  Maybe we don’t realize how powerful we really are.  Maybe we would rather be a victim than a victor.

If you’re a Christ-follower, then you know, and probably wholeheartedly believe, that Jesus died for our freedom.  I believed that in theory, but yet I wasn’t able to live it for several years.  If I was free, why did I still feel so miserable?  What was I doing wrong?

It was all about my decisions.

When I made the decision to take responsibility for my own happiness, I became free.  When I started making healthy lifestyle choices, I became free.  When I gave myself permission to make mistakes, to be wrong, to fail – in other words, to be human – I became free.  When I made the choice to forgive myself and others for past hurts and disappointments, I became free.  It really was that simple.

I know, this is a process, and it’s not a one-time decision.  (Unfortunately for Smeagol, he was not able to maintain his positive choice, and eventually the dark side claimed him.)  The choice to be free has to be made on a regular basis, just like eating wholesome food.  If I decide to eat pizza and ice cream for dinner every night, eventually I will feel bad, look bad, have less energy, gain weight, and host of other bad things.  Similarly, if I choose to focus on the negative, look for the bad in others, allow stress on the job to get the best of me, repress my feelings and so on, eventually I will feel bad, look bad, have less energy, gain weight and a host of other bad things.  Crap in, crap out.  Positivity in, positivity out.

To help free yourself from yourself (smile), I suggest the following action steps:

1. Pay attention to your self-talk.  Become aware of how often you say negative things to yourself, and work persistently to change negative to positive.  (This same principle applies in your dealings with others.)  Appreciate the things and people your have in your life, however little it may seem at the time.
2. Feed your mind with positive, encouraging words.  There is a wealth of information available at your local bookstore or library, as well as on the web.  Here are a couple of my online faves, but there are many, many out there – find one or two that resonate with you and read them regularly.  Subscribe to email updates when you can – a dose of positivity will show up without your having to even think about it!
1. www.values.com – sign up for their inspirational quote of the day
2. http://www.thepowerofawareness.com/ – my spiritual mentor Laina Orlando
3. Take care of you.  This is the most basic advice, but it is 100% correct 100% of the time: eat better, exercise as often as possible, get enough sleep.  Listen to your body: if you’re tired, turn down whatever pressing item is on your agenda and rest.  If you’re hungry, eat some whole, healthy food.  (Tip: if it comes in a box, it’s probably neither whole nor healthy.  Try to eat foods in their most natural form as often as possible.)  Drink more water.  You really don’t need me to tell you this.
4. Develop a support network.  If you do not have many friends or family nearby, find a church in which you feel most at home or look for groups such as Celebrate Recovery (www.celebraterecovery.com - It’s much more than a substance abuse program.)
5. Get it off your chest.  If you cannot or do not want to talk to others about what’s on your mind, start a journal (or a blog!).  Not only will this give voice to your feelings, I have found that it also gives me clarity of mind.  I had resisted journaling for years – heck, even now I don’t do it regularly – but I was truly amazed at how helpful it is.  You can burn the journals when they’re full if you want, or you can keep them to reflect on how far you’ve come.  Whatever you need to do – just get those feelings out!
6. Surround yourself with happy, positive people as much as possible.  Do what you can to avoid time with negative people.  They will suck the life and happiness out of most anybody!

I could go on and on about this subject because I believe in it so completely.  I was a prisoner for many years.  Now that I know with every fiber of my being that I do not have to live that way again.  I encourage you to make the same choice I did.  Free yourself.  Live in the now…don’t be held prisoner to a past that you cannot recreate or change, to a future you fear, to the worries and “what if’s”, the opinions of others, the job you hate…whatever it is that is keeping you in bondage.  Choose freedom.

I hope you’ll make this choice today, and join me in triumphantly and joyously declaring, “I am freeeeeee!!”

Forecast: Cloudy with a chance for growth

The weather outside today looks like I feel: gray, cloudy, sad.  I’m having a hard time dealing with the break-up.  In fact, I haven’t felt this depressed in quite a long time.  Anyone who has ever felt deep sadness knows the symptoms: lack of interest in activity, sleeping a lot, withdrawal.  I’ve come too far to let this do me in, but still, it’s hard not to want to revert back to the old habits…the desire to comfort myself with food, bottle my feelings up instead of acknowledging them, or overindulge in destructive habits such as shopping, drinking, eating. 

Thankfully, I am stronger than I used to be, and too unwilling to go back to that dark place.  I know I need some time to heal, and though I will allow myself a bowl of ice cream for lunch today, I won’t allow that to become the norm.  I won’t repress my feelings and cover them up with unhealthy living.  I won’t go out, get drunk and act like my life is all wonderful and great today when I’m really hurting on the inside.

I remind myself that, though my relationship with Chris brought me a lot of happiness, it was not the source of my happiness, not my reason for living.  God is my source, and he is always with me and knows my pain.  He sends his angels to comfort me in the form of my friends, who – thank God – have been so wonderful this past week.  I needed to know that I am not alone, and whether they consciously knew it or not, they have reached out just when I needed it most.

I’ve been thinking about what to do with the extra time I now have.  On one hand, I know that I want to use this time to continue the work (which I refer to as ‘inner-self clean-up’) that I started last year.  If this past week has shown me anything, it’s that I still have a lot of issues to address, especially concerning my anger.  On the other hand, I believe that it’s important to get outside of myself and reach out to others in need.  Not only does this shift my focus off of my own pain, it also provides perspective.  In other words, I may feel lonely and sad right now, but there are other people out there, perhaps seniors in a nursing home, who literally have no one.   Can I reach out in my time of need to someone whose needs are greater than my own?  In doing so, will my own wounds be healed?  I believe the answer to both of those questions is yes.

Times of pain are opportune times for personal growth.  In fact, I’d dare say there aren’t too many people who have experienced true personal growth in times of peace.  It is only through pain that we are motivated to make change, to seek something more or different.

Now is one of those times for me, and I don’t want to waste the opportunity to become more.  More peaceful; stronger.  More focused on the world around me and less focused on the world within me.  After all, what is joy if there is no pain?  Just as the earth requires both sunshine and rain to grow and thrive, so it is with our souls.

For today, I will embrace the clouds, knowing fully that they will be followed by sunshine.

Love stinks

Not!  Love does not, in fact, stink.  Love is wonderful.  Amazing.  Breathtaking.  There is absolutely nothing else like it.  What stinks is the pain of loss.  The pain of separation.  Rejection.  The heartbreaking realization that you’re not enough, or perhaps more aptly, simply not right for someone else that you love dearly.  Most of us know that pain; I am no exception.

Unfortunately for me, that pain is my reality at the moment.  I am mourning the end of my relationship with Chris.  I knew it was not perfect, but that was okay.  I’m not perfect, nor is he.  I did not expect our relationship to be any different.  Though I had struggled with it the last several weeks, I was not ready for it to end.  I honestly thought that God had a lesson in it for me. (Well, I’m sure He had several.)  Specifically, I thought it was a lesson in patience.  In fact, during each moment of struggle, I would hear “love is patient, love is kind…”  For me, the origin scripture (1 Cor 13:4-8) is the standard for how I want to live my life.  Of course, I fail often, and that’s okay.  What matters is that I continue to strive to live in that manner.

I thought that my relationship with Chris was simply a matter of being patient, loving him to the best of my ability, and enjoying our time together.  Apparently, the Universe has another plan.

So…I cry often.  I’m not trying to run from my pain or avoid it (unless I’m sitting at my desk at work!).  I cry because I know we are not going to do all of the things that we said we would do, or try the restaurants we said we would try, or ever go on his friend’s boat.  I cry because I loved having a companion, especially him, and now I have none.  I cry because, for the first time in years, I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and now I hurt.

But…and this is an important BUT…I don’t regret it.  I would not trade it to avoid this pain.  For me, that is huge, because there was a time in my life when I would not have been able to say that.  I loved it.  It was wonderful.  I would do it all over again in a moment.

So, to Chris: thank you.  Right now, I don’t think you’d be able to understand this, but your presence in my life last year, my desire to let you into my life, gave me the courage to overcome years of fear, doubt, and sadness.  My life has been forever changed.  Though this was not action by you, it still happened because of you, and for that I will always be grateful. 

I hope it’s not the end.  I truly hope that we are able to maintain a friendship.  (I know this would be an exception to your rule; for me, it would not be.)  You are an amazing person.  Honest.  Courageous.  Devoted.  Stronger that I think you think you are.  I believe in you…the present you.  But I also believe in your potential to be more.  Free.  Open.  Joyful.  Peaceful.  I hope you find whatever it is that you seek.  I hope that you are able to open up and be vulnerable.  I hope that you one day find someone that you love the way that I love you, because it is an amazing feeling.  And I hope she loves you back in the same way, because you deserve it.

Pain sucks.  But life goes on.  I still believe in a thing called love…

The privilege of having a bad day

Today was a bad day at work.  Extremely busy.  Lots of problems and issues.  Didn't leave till almost 8:00 pm.  Throughout the day, I allowed myself to groan and complain.  A lot.  Way more than I should have.  [I hate to admit what a spoiled brat I can be at the lowest part of my nature, but it's true.]  Then tonight, a profound truth hit me hard: I should consider myself fortunate to have had a bad day at work.

How many hundreds of thousands of people in northern Japan would gladly trade places with me today?  Take my "bad" day in place of the sheer horror that they are living and breathing today?  Take a bad day at work and know that their homes are in tact, their loved ones are safe and accounted for, that they have running water, food, shelter, and oh so many other things I take for granted on a regular basis?

How many unemployed people in my own country would take a "bad" day at work in place of being unable to find a job?  How many would take my bad day in place of losing sleep at night, not sure if they can pay this month's mortgage or car payment or gas bill?  Not sure of how they are going to provide food for their children or a roof over their heads.

How many terminally ill people would take my "bad" day at work and hardly even bat an eye at having a rough day on the job in place of not knowing how long their cancer will stay in remission or how much longer they have to spend with their families? 

Stopped in my tracks, I am chagrined at my immaturity and pettiness.  A new attitude emerges: gratitude.  (There's that word again!)  In place of self-pity at my "awful" day, I realize more than anything, I should be thankful for the opportunity and privilege to have a bad day at work.  Thankful that my company has customers that need my help (hello, job "security").  Thankful that I have skills that are valuable and needed in the marketplace.  Thankful that chance and the recession did not take away my livelihood in the past few years as has happened to so many other people, through no fault of their own. 

Beyond my gratitude for my job, I am also thankful that the worst thing I had to worry about today was how much work needed to be done.  I did not worry whether or not my home would be safe and fit for habitation.  I did not worry if I would have food to eat.  I did not worry that I would have money to pay for the tank of gas I needed on the way home.  I could take comfort knowing that my family and friends are safe and healthy. 

So many blessings.  So little time spent saying thanks.  I am humbled.  May I never forget - even on my "worst" day - how lucky, blessed and fortunate I am.

Thank you, God!!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Saying goodbye

I recently made the decision to find a new home for my Dachshund Toby, who joined my family last September.  It was a difficult choice for many reasons.  Toby is a wonderful, sweet, loving puppy.  He brought many laughs and a lot of joy to my life in our short time together.  He is an uncomplicated creature that simply wants to play and cuddle.  Everyone that met him fell head over heels for him.

Leaving him yesterday, I could not help but feel as if I were abandoning this puppy, and I found myself assigning many human traits to him.  Did he wonder what he had done to make me leave him?  Did he think, if only I had been a better boy, if only I hadn’t have had so many accidents on the carpet, maybe she wouldn’t leave me.  No, a dog’s mind doesn’t work like that.  I recognize that this feeling stems from my own feelings of abandonment by my father as a child.

I also felt selfish and shallow.  I’ve never taken pet ownership light-heartedly.  I have always felt it is a commitment on my part, and I felt like a horrible person for going back on my unspoken vow.  I felt unworthy and ashamed.

In spite of this, I believe that I made the right choice.  Though it was certainly made in part for my own convenience, it was also made with the hope and belief that Toby will find the perfect family, one who can provide him with the love and affection that he so craves and deserves.  Though I cried all the way home, most of the night, and several times again today, I still believe that I made the right choice.

In the bigger picture of life, I am reminded that we are all faced with moments in life where we have to say goodbye.  Sometimes it’s to a friend with whom you no longer share values, sometimes it’s to a lover from whom you’ve grown apart, sometimes it’s from an unhealthy relationship that you will no longer tolerate.  And sometimes it’s to an adorable puppy named Toby that stole your heart and refuses to let go.  Regardless of the who’s and why’s, it is not easy, but sometimes it is necessary.

Recognizing when a relationship has run its course isn’t easy, either.  We may not want to see it, or be ready to see it.  Sometimes, we recognize it, but we’re scared to let go.  It’s comfortable.  It’s what we want.  It’s easier to stay in it.

I’m pretty sure that I don’t have all of the answers on this subject, but I have learned how not to end a relationship.  Regardless of the circumstances, don’t take action coming from a place of anger or blame.  You will inflict unnecessary pain, and likely regret your actions.  (Unfortunately, I speak from firsthand experience on this one.)  Do be thankful for the good times; focus on what was right and good about the relationship.  Let go of bad times and hurt.  Keep the love and the laughter.  Remember what drew you to that person in the first place, and then make your decisions from a place of love and compassion.  Be gentle.  Try to think of how you would feel in the other person’s shoes.  For them, it may be a complete and unexpected shock.  Maintain their dignity, and in turn, you will maintain your own.

There is an expression that some people come into our lives for a reason, others for a season, and some for a lifetime.  No matter which, always be thankful for the time you have with each person that comes into your life.  Express gratitude for the lessons learned, and the growth you experienced as a result of that relationship.

I’m thankful for the joy and love Toby brought into my home for the past four and a half months. I’m happy when I think of the new family that will have the chance to love and be loved by this sweet little fellow.  Goodbye, Toby.

Be free!

Last week, I was humbly reminded that, regardless of how far I've come on my personal journey, I will always have more to learn. There will be stumbling blocks, from which none of us are exempt.

The week started off well enough, but as it crept on, frustration, boredom, and fear began to take over.  The frustration and boredom stem from the same source: my nine to five.  Though I am still so relieved to have moved from my previous position, the new role has not provided the stimulus (nor volume of work) to keep me strongly engaged.  My old pattern of thought kicks in.  “This sucks!  Time to get out of here!”   Yet I know that I am in this role for a reason; it's no accident.  Further, I am only a few months in to it, and certainly have only experienced the tip of the iceberg in terms of learning and personal growth.  Though this role won't be forever, I haven't truly given it enough time to give up on it so soon.  Instead of complaining about what's wrong, I need to reshift my focus on what is good, and savor those things.

Simultaneously, I began to overanalyze my relationship with Chris.  To understand where I’m coming from, you need to know that it’s literally been a decade since my last relationship.  Despite being extremely happy in this one, there is still a pattern, a habit of thinking and behavior, that I have to unlearn.  What are my preconceived notions of what a relationship “should” be?  Do I expect Chris to act like some mythical Prince Charming?  Am I subconsciously comparing my relationship to someone else's, trying to measure our relationship success by another’s yardstick?  These are questions I had to ask myself, and then take time to answer thoughtfully.

After indulging my negativity longer than I should have, I finally decided to get my head out of my rear and put an end to the unnecessary pity party.  Once I had freed myself from the self-imposed doom and gloom, my perspective sure did change!

The “breathing room” at my current position is actually a blessing when I consider that I am in the process of expanding my small side business, the goal being to turn it into a consistent stream of work and income.  I am able to focus more on getting that up and going – not on my employer’s time, of course – but the lack of stress and overtime at my full-time gig creates the perfect opportunity to focus my energies elsewhere in my off hours.

As for my relationship with Chris, I realized that I was allowing the ghosts of relationships past to plant seeds of doubt in my present, which I cannot permit.  I am still getting to know Chris, his nuances and quirks, his communication style, and so on.  I must get rid of all preconceived notions that his behavior has a certain meaning if I am basing it on the past actions of someone else.  It’s not fair to either of us for me to pre-assign meaning or assume I know his motivations.  (That goes for everyone, certainly not just Chris.)  I’m very happy where we’re at today, and I’m not worried about the ‘what if’s’ of tomorrow.

When I take time to pause, to ponder the perfection of where I am at today – in all facets of my life – then there is no need to worry about whether things are “right” or “wrong”.  There is no right and wrong, really.  Today simply is, just as I simply am.  If I can release my expectations, embrace the moment and make the most of it, then I can live free from fear, frustration, and boredom.

Need a gratitude adjustment?

Psst…come over here.  I have a secret I’d like to share…

If you’re feeling serious pain in your life at this moment…depression, anger, fear, anxiety…the power to initiate change is in your hands, and it’s not nearly as difficult as you might think.  How do you start?  By checking your gratitude!  That’s right: gratitude.  A seemingly innocuous, oft overlooked state of being that is completely within our control.

If you’re depressed because your life “sucks”, your gratitude is low.  Way low.

If you’re angry because some person seems to be out to get you, your gratitude is low.  (Paranoia, by the way, may be a sign of depression.)

If you’re afraid that whatever you have – whether much or little – is going to be taken away…well, you get the idea.

I know from firsthand experience that it’s not possible to have a healthy state of wellbeing without being grateful.  It is a critical ingredient; in fact, I’d dare say it is the stepping stone to peace. 

At one point in my life, I kept a gratitude journal.  At the end of each day, I’d list five things for which I was grateful.  Five seems like a small number, but truthfully, some days it was hard to come up with five things.  Some days, they were silly things ("mint tea", "the HOV lane") because that's all I could come up with.  Regardless, the point is that I intentionally focused my mind on being thankful.  Over time, it began to get easier.  I started to see blessings all around that I had previously not noticed.  Now, I have started to become grateful for almost all things, even the bad things.  I know that sounds hard to believe!  While gratitude may not be my initial reaction, is does come eventually if I (again) intentionally focus on finding the good in a situation.  For example, I have come to see my years of job dissatisfaction as a blessing because it has forced me to think long and hard about what I really want to do.  Now, I am starting up a small side business, about which I feel very passionate.  I've also developed other paths to fulfillment, such as service and (you knew this was coming) writing this blog, to name only two.

Another trick towards developing gratitude is to take a few minutes to think of all the things for which you are grateful, and I do mean everything.  You can do this in while you're in the car, in the shower, getting ready for sleep.  (Focusing on your blessings is an excellent way to end your day, by the way!)  Here is my short list:

- my family

- my friends

- my relationship with Chris

- a warm house

- food to eat

- a car that runs

- a fairly stable job

- good health

- my doggies

- living in a free country

- being able to start anew each day

- freedom to worship as I choose

- being able to pay my bills

- the ability to see, touch, taste, feel, think for myself

I could go on and on, but I won't.  There are just so many things for which I am grateful!  It's nearly endless.  I bet you will find the same, if you simply but very intentionally turn your focus on counting your blessings.

Being grateful doesn't mean being blind to problems and obstacles that come along, but it does keep your focus on what's right with life, instead of what's wrong.  That is the starting point on the path to peace.  And that path, friends, is available to us all.

Snow Day

Snow and ice covered the southeast last night.  I confess, I stayed up late, secure in the knowledge that I wouldn't be headed to work today, since the south shuts down at the mere mention of inclement weather.

Truthfully, as fun as a snow day can be, I wasn't really that excited about being couped up.  I live alone, and though I treasure my alone time, too much of a good thing, you know, isn't always good.  Also, it meant forced separation from my sweetheart, who I sometimes wish I could be with 24/7.  Alas, we could not be together for a day of carefree frolicking in the snow!

I woke up early since I was expected to be online and available for my customers, business as usual, except for the fact that I was in my PJ's.  I spent an hour or more on the phone with our IT's folks trying to determine why I couldn't connect via my wireless internet.  Though we never solved the mystery, I was able to connect the "old-fashioned" way...with a wired connection!  So there I was, up and running, ready to go...all from the comfort of my kitchen table....

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By noon, I am over it, bored, and not actually being very productive.  I decide to make lunch, and invite my niece, who thankfully lives next door, to join me.  Tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.  We're craving something sweet, and neither of has anything that fits the bill, so we decide to make homemade ice cream using my grandmother's very old ice cream maker.  (It's actually quite simple.)  We improvise slightly, which is my typical MO in the kitchen.  Not being much of a cook - but, perhaps, on my way to becoming one - I tend to experiment and improvise with abandon.  It usually works.  I make cookies, but cut some corners as it concerns getting my butter get to room temperature - not recommended, by the way.  Cookies are a fail.  We're counting on the ice cream, which is whirring away and (hopefully) thickening up.

At this point, we can no longer resist the temptation of the snow-covered driveway.  We must sled.  Hmm...we have no sled.  We survey the grounds to see what might work.  Attempt number one is made using the metal top to the garbage can.  Unsuccessful.  What else do we have?  Cardboard.  Cardboard will work.  We give it a shot.  Hmm...not getting too far with this, either.  My niece has a flash of brilliance - packing tape.  Let's cover it with packing tape!  Who knew that such a simple solution could be so effective?  The packing tape turns that cardboard box into an uber sled, propelling us down the driveway at semi-lightening speed.  We hoot.  We holler.  We have a blast!!

Having repeatedly jarred my body as much as I can withstand, and gratefully aware that I have a chiropractor appointment in two days, we put the sled away.  We check on the ice cream.  Hey, it looks pretty good.  We take inside and test it out.  Not too bad.  Not too bad at all.  It doesn't exactly have the texture of normal ice cream, more like soft serve, but we aren't complaining.  We put the less-than-tasty cookies in the ice cream, which makes them taste much better.  We enjoy our treat.

Now, having worked up a bit of an appetite with our sledding, it's time to start on dinner.  Following a simple recipe on the side of a box, I make up an "Italian pizza bake", once again improvising on a few ingredients.  I'm not convinced that the recipe name is particularly appropriate, but it matters not.  Soon, we have a cheesy, spicy, gooey dinner that is just enough for the two of us.

Wow, what do you know?  It's after 6:00 now.  My snow day, the one I wasn't looking forward to, is mostly finished.  My niece decides to head back home to watch a movie or text her friends or whatever else.  I decide to relax, thankful for her companionship, thankful for her creative spirit, thankful that I didn't spend the day alone after all.  I realize that the snow day turns out just how it was meant to, and I am most thankful for that.

What a year!

2010 was an incredible year; in fact, the best year of my life!  I moved into a new home, started a new job, entered into a relationship with a wonderful man, and most importantly, reclaimed my life.

The past:

2008 and 2009 were the two worst years of my life.  I hated my job; felt geographically and emotionally isolated from everyone that mattered, and was financially busted.  I feel lucky that I even survived those years, as the depth of my despair was such that I spent many days wanting to die.  Fortunately, I am blessed to be stubborn (which is just another word for determined), so that I ultimately refused to give into the hopelessness that plagued me.

September 2009

The level of pain I was experiencing became so great that I could no longer bear it.  I started to make small changes to turn things around…eating better, exercising, reading inspirational, thought-provoking books, as well as evaluating and reassessing several long-time relationships.  It was a start, however small and slow.  I was moving in the right direction.

February 2010

Enter Chris…a friend from the past, and the unexpected catalyst that propelled me forward at light speed.  We met for dinner to get caught up, as it had been over a year since we had last spoken.  I had no idea that dinner would lead to a kiss that led to a relationship that forced to me face my worst fears.  My fear of hurt.  My feel of rejection.  My fear of failure.  For a decade, I had beaten myself up; reliving every mistake, every bad decision, every failure to the point that I completely lost confidence in myself.  I no longer believed in my ability to make a good decision.  I felt worthless, a complete and utter failure. 

But something had changed.  Despite my overwhelming instinct to run away, I knew I could not.  This man sparked something in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time (maybe ever).  With Chris, I suddenly felt accepted without judgment; I felt connection on a deeper level; I felt passion that had been long buried.  In order to make this work, I suddenly realized that I could no longer live in fear.  I remember the day vividly…sitting in my living room and suddenly becoming overwhelmed with fear.  What am I doing?  I must be a fool!  He’s going to reject me!  I’m going to get hurt again!!  Thank God, something triggered within my soul, and at that moment I decided I would no longer live in fear!  I wrote in my journal of my determination to release my fear, along with an affirmation confirming my new-found belief.  I decided from that moment on that I would be open to the possibilities that life has to offer, accepting that hurt and failure are inherent risks in doing so.  If I got hurt or failed, I knew it would not be the end.  It’s not possible to live your life fully if you’re not taking any risk.

I had no idea at that moment what an incredibly profound decision I had just made.

This decision, this release, was like opening a floodgate within my soul.  Years of negativity were released…bitterness, anger, hurt, mistrust began to melt away.  Other unexpected changes accompanied it.  I no longer felt the need to comfort myself with food, as I had been doing for years.  I lost twenty pounds right away, seemingly without trying.  I became more active (roller skating – credit that one to Chris! – biking, walking), and began to enjoy the way it made me feel in body and mind.  I rediscovered myself – the joyous, optimistic person that I had once been, and frankly, thought had disappeared for good.  I truly never thought I could reclaim that part of myself.  (It is still tremendous when I stop to think of it, and brings to tears to me eyes even as I type.)  I felt like a new person. 

The next few months with Chris were up and down.  Our relationship ran hot and cold, which was hard to deal with.  I knew he wasn’t ready for our relationship, but it took me longer than I’d like to admit to accept that.  Mid year, we parted ways.  It was painful, but I knew it was for the best.  I’ve learned so many amazing things this year, one of which is that you cannot force these things, no matter how badly you want it.  (You know the adage, if you love something, set it free…)  So, I let go, but I now believed in my heart that there was someone wonderful waiting in my future.

At this point, the circumstances of my life had not changed, but I had changed.  I could endure my job, because I now knew there was a better one coming at some point.  I could endure living farther out than I preferred, because I now realized it was temporary.  Everything changes in due time.  (Don’t get me wrong, I still had – and have – bad days.  I am human, after all, not some Pollyanna.)  I became happy in spite of my circumstances.

October 2010

Guess what?  Doors started to open…I found a new position within my company, one better suited towards my talents and strengths.  I moved into a new home and no longer feel isolated.  And most unexpectedly, Chris came back into my life, and it’s better than ever.  Though my life is still not and never will be perfect, I could not ask for more at this moment.  I am so grateful for the lessons I’ve learned this year, and amazed at the obstacles I’ve been able to overcome.  I share this with you not to brag on my accomplishments – truly, I could not have done it without the grace of God – but to tell you that you can do it, too.  I understand what it’s like to be on the bottom, but I am here to tell you that you don’t have to stay there.  Start with something small.  Pick a positive mantra and cling to it!  (Mine was Believe, which is now tattooed on my wrist!)  Most importantly, don’t give up!

Never, never, never give up – Winston Churchill

…God's perfect love takes away fear – 1 John 4:18 (WE)