Be free!

Last week, I was humbly reminded that, regardless of how far I've come on my personal journey, I will always have more to learn. There will be stumbling blocks, from which none of us are exempt.

The week started off well enough, but as it crept on, frustration, boredom, and fear began to take over.  The frustration and boredom stem from the same source: my nine to five.  Though I am still so relieved to have moved from my previous position, the new role has not provided the stimulus (nor volume of work) to keep me strongly engaged.  My old pattern of thought kicks in.  “This sucks!  Time to get out of here!”   Yet I know that I am in this role for a reason; it's no accident.  Further, I am only a few months in to it, and certainly have only experienced the tip of the iceberg in terms of learning and personal growth.  Though this role won't be forever, I haven't truly given it enough time to give up on it so soon.  Instead of complaining about what's wrong, I need to reshift my focus on what is good, and savor those things.

Simultaneously, I began to overanalyze my relationship with Chris.  To understand where I’m coming from, you need to know that it’s literally been a decade since my last relationship.  Despite being extremely happy in this one, there is still a pattern, a habit of thinking and behavior, that I have to unlearn.  What are my preconceived notions of what a relationship “should” be?  Do I expect Chris to act like some mythical Prince Charming?  Am I subconsciously comparing my relationship to someone else's, trying to measure our relationship success by another’s yardstick?  These are questions I had to ask myself, and then take time to answer thoughtfully.

After indulging my negativity longer than I should have, I finally decided to get my head out of my rear and put an end to the unnecessary pity party.  Once I had freed myself from the self-imposed doom and gloom, my perspective sure did change!

The “breathing room” at my current position is actually a blessing when I consider that I am in the process of expanding my small side business, the goal being to turn it into a consistent stream of work and income.  I am able to focus more on getting that up and going – not on my employer’s time, of course – but the lack of stress and overtime at my full-time gig creates the perfect opportunity to focus my energies elsewhere in my off hours.

As for my relationship with Chris, I realized that I was allowing the ghosts of relationships past to plant seeds of doubt in my present, which I cannot permit.  I am still getting to know Chris, his nuances and quirks, his communication style, and so on.  I must get rid of all preconceived notions that his behavior has a certain meaning if I am basing it on the past actions of someone else.  It’s not fair to either of us for me to pre-assign meaning or assume I know his motivations.  (That goes for everyone, certainly not just Chris.)  I’m very happy where we’re at today, and I’m not worried about the ‘what if’s’ of tomorrow.

When I take time to pause, to ponder the perfection of where I am at today – in all facets of my life – then there is no need to worry about whether things are “right” or “wrong”.  There is no right and wrong, really.  Today simply is, just as I simply am.  If I can release my expectations, embrace the moment and make the most of it, then I can live free from fear, frustration, and boredom.

Need a gratitude adjustment?

Psst…come over here.  I have a secret I’d like to share…

If you’re feeling serious pain in your life at this moment…depression, anger, fear, anxiety…the power to initiate change is in your hands, and it’s not nearly as difficult as you might think.  How do you start?  By checking your gratitude!  That’s right: gratitude.  A seemingly innocuous, oft overlooked state of being that is completely within our control.

If you’re depressed because your life “sucks”, your gratitude is low.  Way low.

If you’re angry because some person seems to be out to get you, your gratitude is low.  (Paranoia, by the way, may be a sign of depression.)

If you’re afraid that whatever you have – whether much or little – is going to be taken away…well, you get the idea.

I know from firsthand experience that it’s not possible to have a healthy state of wellbeing without being grateful.  It is a critical ingredient; in fact, I’d dare say it is the stepping stone to peace. 

At one point in my life, I kept a gratitude journal.  At the end of each day, I’d list five things for which I was grateful.  Five seems like a small number, but truthfully, some days it was hard to come up with five things.  Some days, they were silly things ("mint tea", "the HOV lane") because that's all I could come up with.  Regardless, the point is that I intentionally focused my mind on being thankful.  Over time, it began to get easier.  I started to see blessings all around that I had previously not noticed.  Now, I have started to become grateful for almost all things, even the bad things.  I know that sounds hard to believe!  While gratitude may not be my initial reaction, is does come eventually if I (again) intentionally focus on finding the good in a situation.  For example, I have come to see my years of job dissatisfaction as a blessing because it has forced me to think long and hard about what I really want to do.  Now, I am starting up a small side business, about which I feel very passionate.  I've also developed other paths to fulfillment, such as service and (you knew this was coming) writing this blog, to name only two.

Another trick towards developing gratitude is to take a few minutes to think of all the things for which you are grateful, and I do mean everything.  You can do this in while you're in the car, in the shower, getting ready for sleep.  (Focusing on your blessings is an excellent way to end your day, by the way!)  Here is my short list:

- my family

- my friends

- my relationship with Chris

- a warm house

- food to eat

- a car that runs

- a fairly stable job

- good health

- my doggies

- living in a free country

- being able to start anew each day

- freedom to worship as I choose

- being able to pay my bills

- the ability to see, touch, taste, feel, think for myself

I could go on and on, but I won't.  There are just so many things for which I am grateful!  It's nearly endless.  I bet you will find the same, if you simply but very intentionally turn your focus on counting your blessings.

Being grateful doesn't mean being blind to problems and obstacles that come along, but it does keep your focus on what's right with life, instead of what's wrong.  That is the starting point on the path to peace.  And that path, friends, is available to us all.

Snow Day

Snow and ice covered the southeast last night.  I confess, I stayed up late, secure in the knowledge that I wouldn't be headed to work today, since the south shuts down at the mere mention of inclement weather.

Truthfully, as fun as a snow day can be, I wasn't really that excited about being couped up.  I live alone, and though I treasure my alone time, too much of a good thing, you know, isn't always good.  Also, it meant forced separation from my sweetheart, who I sometimes wish I could be with 24/7.  Alas, we could not be together for a day of carefree frolicking in the snow!

I woke up early since I was expected to be online and available for my customers, business as usual, except for the fact that I was in my PJ's.  I spent an hour or more on the phone with our IT's folks trying to determine why I couldn't connect via my wireless internet.  Though we never solved the mystery, I was able to connect the "old-fashioned" way...with a wired connection!  So there I was, up and running, ready to go...all from the comfort of my kitchen table....

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By noon, I am over it, bored, and not actually being very productive.  I decide to make lunch, and invite my niece, who thankfully lives next door, to join me.  Tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.  We're craving something sweet, and neither of has anything that fits the bill, so we decide to make homemade ice cream using my grandmother's very old ice cream maker.  (It's actually quite simple.)  We improvise slightly, which is my typical MO in the kitchen.  Not being much of a cook - but, perhaps, on my way to becoming one - I tend to experiment and improvise with abandon.  It usually works.  I make cookies, but cut some corners as it concerns getting my butter get to room temperature - not recommended, by the way.  Cookies are a fail.  We're counting on the ice cream, which is whirring away and (hopefully) thickening up.

At this point, we can no longer resist the temptation of the snow-covered driveway.  We must sled.  Hmm...we have no sled.  We survey the grounds to see what might work.  Attempt number one is made using the metal top to the garbage can.  Unsuccessful.  What else do we have?  Cardboard.  Cardboard will work.  We give it a shot.  Hmm...not getting too far with this, either.  My niece has a flash of brilliance - packing tape.  Let's cover it with packing tape!  Who knew that such a simple solution could be so effective?  The packing tape turns that cardboard box into an uber sled, propelling us down the driveway at semi-lightening speed.  We hoot.  We holler.  We have a blast!!

Having repeatedly jarred my body as much as I can withstand, and gratefully aware that I have a chiropractor appointment in two days, we put the sled away.  We check on the ice cream.  Hey, it looks pretty good.  We take inside and test it out.  Not too bad.  Not too bad at all.  It doesn't exactly have the texture of normal ice cream, more like soft serve, but we aren't complaining.  We put the less-than-tasty cookies in the ice cream, which makes them taste much better.  We enjoy our treat.

Now, having worked up a bit of an appetite with our sledding, it's time to start on dinner.  Following a simple recipe on the side of a box, I make up an "Italian pizza bake", once again improvising on a few ingredients.  I'm not convinced that the recipe name is particularly appropriate, but it matters not.  Soon, we have a cheesy, spicy, gooey dinner that is just enough for the two of us.

Wow, what do you know?  It's after 6:00 now.  My snow day, the one I wasn't looking forward to, is mostly finished.  My niece decides to head back home to watch a movie or text her friends or whatever else.  I decide to relax, thankful for her companionship, thankful for her creative spirit, thankful that I didn't spend the day alone after all.  I realize that the snow day turns out just how it was meant to, and I am most thankful for that.

What a year!

2010 was an incredible year; in fact, the best year of my life!  I moved into a new home, started a new job, entered into a relationship with a wonderful man, and most importantly, reclaimed my life.

The past:

2008 and 2009 were the two worst years of my life.  I hated my job; felt geographically and emotionally isolated from everyone that mattered, and was financially busted.  I feel lucky that I even survived those years, as the depth of my despair was such that I spent many days wanting to die.  Fortunately, I am blessed to be stubborn (which is just another word for determined), so that I ultimately refused to give into the hopelessness that plagued me.

September 2009

The level of pain I was experiencing became so great that I could no longer bear it.  I started to make small changes to turn things around…eating better, exercising, reading inspirational, thought-provoking books, as well as evaluating and reassessing several long-time relationships.  It was a start, however small and slow.  I was moving in the right direction.

February 2010

Enter Chris…a friend from the past, and the unexpected catalyst that propelled me forward at light speed.  We met for dinner to get caught up, as it had been over a year since we had last spoken.  I had no idea that dinner would lead to a kiss that led to a relationship that forced to me face my worst fears.  My fear of hurt.  My feel of rejection.  My fear of failure.  For a decade, I had beaten myself up; reliving every mistake, every bad decision, every failure to the point that I completely lost confidence in myself.  I no longer believed in my ability to make a good decision.  I felt worthless, a complete and utter failure. 

But something had changed.  Despite my overwhelming instinct to run away, I knew I could not.  This man sparked something in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time (maybe ever).  With Chris, I suddenly felt accepted without judgment; I felt connection on a deeper level; I felt passion that had been long buried.  In order to make this work, I suddenly realized that I could no longer live in fear.  I remember the day vividly…sitting in my living room and suddenly becoming overwhelmed with fear.  What am I doing?  I must be a fool!  He’s going to reject me!  I’m going to get hurt again!!  Thank God, something triggered within my soul, and at that moment I decided I would no longer live in fear!  I wrote in my journal of my determination to release my fear, along with an affirmation confirming my new-found belief.  I decided from that moment on that I would be open to the possibilities that life has to offer, accepting that hurt and failure are inherent risks in doing so.  If I got hurt or failed, I knew it would not be the end.  It’s not possible to live your life fully if you’re not taking any risk.

I had no idea at that moment what an incredibly profound decision I had just made.

This decision, this release, was like opening a floodgate within my soul.  Years of negativity were released…bitterness, anger, hurt, mistrust began to melt away.  Other unexpected changes accompanied it.  I no longer felt the need to comfort myself with food, as I had been doing for years.  I lost twenty pounds right away, seemingly without trying.  I became more active (roller skating – credit that one to Chris! – biking, walking), and began to enjoy the way it made me feel in body and mind.  I rediscovered myself – the joyous, optimistic person that I had once been, and frankly, thought had disappeared for good.  I truly never thought I could reclaim that part of myself.  (It is still tremendous when I stop to think of it, and brings to tears to me eyes even as I type.)  I felt like a new person. 

The next few months with Chris were up and down.  Our relationship ran hot and cold, which was hard to deal with.  I knew he wasn’t ready for our relationship, but it took me longer than I’d like to admit to accept that.  Mid year, we parted ways.  It was painful, but I knew it was for the best.  I’ve learned so many amazing things this year, one of which is that you cannot force these things, no matter how badly you want it.  (You know the adage, if you love something, set it free…)  So, I let go, but I now believed in my heart that there was someone wonderful waiting in my future.

At this point, the circumstances of my life had not changed, but I had changed.  I could endure my job, because I now knew there was a better one coming at some point.  I could endure living farther out than I preferred, because I now realized it was temporary.  Everything changes in due time.  (Don’t get me wrong, I still had – and have – bad days.  I am human, after all, not some Pollyanna.)  I became happy in spite of my circumstances.

October 2010

Guess what?  Doors started to open…I found a new position within my company, one better suited towards my talents and strengths.  I moved into a new home and no longer feel isolated.  And most unexpectedly, Chris came back into my life, and it’s better than ever.  Though my life is still not and never will be perfect, I could not ask for more at this moment.  I am so grateful for the lessons I’ve learned this year, and amazed at the obstacles I’ve been able to overcome.  I share this with you not to brag on my accomplishments – truly, I could not have done it without the grace of God – but to tell you that you can do it, too.  I understand what it’s like to be on the bottom, but I am here to tell you that you don’t have to stay there.  Start with something small.  Pick a positive mantra and cling to it!  (Mine was Believe, which is now tattooed on my wrist!)  Most importantly, don’t give up!

Never, never, never give up – Winston Churchill

…God's perfect love takes away fear – 1 John 4:18 (WE)