Love stinks

Not!  Love does not, in fact, stink.  Love is wonderful.  Amazing.  Breathtaking.  There is absolutely nothing else like it.  What stinks is the pain of loss.  The pain of separation.  Rejection.  The heartbreaking realization that you’re not enough, or perhaps more aptly, simply not right for someone else that you love dearly.  Most of us know that pain; I am no exception.

Unfortunately for me, that pain is my reality at the moment.  I am mourning the end of my relationship with Chris.  I knew it was not perfect, but that was okay.  I’m not perfect, nor is he.  I did not expect our relationship to be any different.  Though I had struggled with it the last several weeks, I was not ready for it to end.  I honestly thought that God had a lesson in it for me. (Well, I’m sure He had several.)  Specifically, I thought it was a lesson in patience.  In fact, during each moment of struggle, I would hear “love is patient, love is kind…”  For me, the origin scripture (1 Cor 13:4-8) is the standard for how I want to live my life.  Of course, I fail often, and that’s okay.  What matters is that I continue to strive to live in that manner.

I thought that my relationship with Chris was simply a matter of being patient, loving him to the best of my ability, and enjoying our time together.  Apparently, the Universe has another plan.

So…I cry often.  I’m not trying to run from my pain or avoid it (unless I’m sitting at my desk at work!).  I cry because I know we are not going to do all of the things that we said we would do, or try the restaurants we said we would try, or ever go on his friend’s boat.  I cry because I loved having a companion, especially him, and now I have none.  I cry because, for the first time in years, I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and now I hurt.

But…and this is an important BUT…I don’t regret it.  I would not trade it to avoid this pain.  For me, that is huge, because there was a time in my life when I would not have been able to say that.  I loved it.  It was wonderful.  I would do it all over again in a moment.

So, to Chris: thank you.  Right now, I don’t think you’d be able to understand this, but your presence in my life last year, my desire to let you into my life, gave me the courage to overcome years of fear, doubt, and sadness.  My life has been forever changed.  Though this was not action by you, it still happened because of you, and for that I will always be grateful. 

I hope it’s not the end.  I truly hope that we are able to maintain a friendship.  (I know this would be an exception to your rule; for me, it would not be.)  You are an amazing person.  Honest.  Courageous.  Devoted.  Stronger that I think you think you are.  I believe in you…the present you.  But I also believe in your potential to be more.  Free.  Open.  Joyful.  Peaceful.  I hope you find whatever it is that you seek.  I hope that you are able to open up and be vulnerable.  I hope that you one day find someone that you love the way that I love you, because it is an amazing feeling.  And I hope she loves you back in the same way, because you deserve it.

Pain sucks.  But life goes on.  I still believe in a thing called love…