The truth

Today, I take the stand in the courtroom of my soul.  My authentic self solemnly swears to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth: I've been really depressed these last few weeks.  Not the old run-of-the-mill I've got the blues depressed, but the why am I here? depressed.  And it's been plaguing me.  Yes, I know I miss Chris, but that's not the root cause.  Yes, I know I'm exhausted from working a lot of OT at the nine-to-whenever, but that's not it, either.  What is the issue??

It hit me this evening.  And it wasn't pleasant.  (I find that being honest with myself often hurts a little, but only because my eyes needed to be opened!)  My sources of validation have failed.  My relationship ended.  Distance has given me the ability to see it (and him) in the brighter light of reality.  The honeymoon at my job is over.  I've been disappointed.  It's not exactly what I thought it would be.  Ick.

The real problem isn't that people, jobs and relationships are imperfect, because we are imperfect beings living in an imperfect world.  The problem is that I have allowed things outside of myself to determine my worth, my value as a person.  Ouch!  Didn't I learn this lesson already?  Come on! 

Yet, I have to get over my frustration and realize that, I, too, am imperfect.  Though I wish that I was always able to learn my lessons on the first (or second, or sometimes fifth) go 'round, I often have to repeat my errors many times until it finally sinks in.

Happiness, peace and joy don't come from another person.  They don't come from a job.  I believe that happiness, peace and joy (and probably a few other wonderful things) come from having a purpose.  Answering a calling.  Whatever you want to call it.

Finding our purpose is what drives many of us.  It's the reason we ask, "Isn't there more to life than this??"  Yes, there is!  I am convinced.  But it doesn't always walk up and smack us in the face.  It takes honesty, and the courage to look beyond your pain.  Not seeking quick-fixes to cover up the pain, but truly taking time to ask yourself the right questions and then taking time to listen to your inner voice for the answers.

I have a pretty good idea of my purpose, but it's not something that I can do 24/7 right now.  It's not going to pay the bills...yet.  Regardless, I cannot give up on pursuing it as often as I can, in as many ways as I can.  I've found that when I take one tiny step, God takes several big ones.  So I'm going to identify where I can take those steps, and rely on God for the rest.  In the meantime, I'm going to accept life's imperfections, refusing to let them bring me down.

That's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God!