The weather outside today looks like I feel: gray, cloudy, sad. I’m having a hard time dealing with the break-up. In fact, I haven’t felt this depressed in quite a long time. Anyone who has ever felt deep sadness knows the symptoms: lack of interest in activity, sleeping a lot, withdrawal. I’ve come too far to let this do me in, but still, it’s hard not to want to revert back to the old habits…the desire to comfort myself with food, bottle my feelings up instead of acknowledging them, or overindulge in destructive habits such as shopping, drinking, eating.
Thankfully, I am stronger than I used to be, and too unwilling to go back to that dark place. I know I need some time to heal, and though I will allow myself a bowl of ice cream for lunch today, I won’t allow that to become the norm. I won’t repress my feelings and cover them up with unhealthy living. I won’t go out, get drunk and act like my life is all wonderful and great today when I’m really hurting on the inside.
I remind myself that, though my relationship with Chris brought me a lot of happiness, it was not the source of my happiness, not my reason for living. God is my source, and he is always with me and knows my pain. He sends his angels to comfort me in the form of my friends, who – thank God – have been so wonderful this past week. I needed to know that I am not alone, and whether they consciously knew it or not, they have reached out just when I needed it most.
I’ve been thinking about what to do with the extra time I now have. On one hand, I know that I want to use this time to continue the work (which I refer to as ‘inner-self clean-up’) that I started last year. If this past week has shown me anything, it’s that I still have a lot of issues to address, especially concerning my anger. On the other hand, I believe that it’s important to get outside of myself and reach out to others in need. Not only does this shift my focus off of my own pain, it also provides perspective. In other words, I may feel lonely and sad right now, but there are other people out there, perhaps seniors in a nursing home, who literally have no one. Can I reach out in my time of need to someone whose needs are greater than my own? In doing so, will my own wounds be healed? I believe the answer to both of those questions is yes.
Times of pain are opportune times for personal growth. In fact, I’d dare say there aren’t too many people who have experienced true personal growth in times of peace. It is only through pain that we are motivated to make change, to seek something more or different.
Now is one of those times for me, and I don’t want to waste the opportunity to become more. More peaceful; stronger. More focused on the world around me and less focused on the world within me. After all, what is joy if there is no pain? Just as the earth requires both sunshine and rain to grow and thrive, so it is with our souls.
For today, I will embrace the clouds, knowing fully that they will be followed by sunshine.
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