Be free!

Last week, I was humbly reminded that, regardless of how far I've come on my personal journey, I will always have more to learn. There will be stumbling blocks, from which none of us are exempt.

The week started off well enough, but as it crept on, frustration, boredom, and fear began to take over.  The frustration and boredom stem from the same source: my nine to five.  Though I am still so relieved to have moved from my previous position, the new role has not provided the stimulus (nor volume of work) to keep me strongly engaged.  My old pattern of thought kicks in.  “This sucks!  Time to get out of here!”   Yet I know that I am in this role for a reason; it's no accident.  Further, I am only a few months in to it, and certainly have only experienced the tip of the iceberg in terms of learning and personal growth.  Though this role won't be forever, I haven't truly given it enough time to give up on it so soon.  Instead of complaining about what's wrong, I need to reshift my focus on what is good, and savor those things.

Simultaneously, I began to overanalyze my relationship with Chris.  To understand where I’m coming from, you need to know that it’s literally been a decade since my last relationship.  Despite being extremely happy in this one, there is still a pattern, a habit of thinking and behavior, that I have to unlearn.  What are my preconceived notions of what a relationship “should” be?  Do I expect Chris to act like some mythical Prince Charming?  Am I subconsciously comparing my relationship to someone else's, trying to measure our relationship success by another’s yardstick?  These are questions I had to ask myself, and then take time to answer thoughtfully.

After indulging my negativity longer than I should have, I finally decided to get my head out of my rear and put an end to the unnecessary pity party.  Once I had freed myself from the self-imposed doom and gloom, my perspective sure did change!

The “breathing room” at my current position is actually a blessing when I consider that I am in the process of expanding my small side business, the goal being to turn it into a consistent stream of work and income.  I am able to focus more on getting that up and going – not on my employer’s time, of course – but the lack of stress and overtime at my full-time gig creates the perfect opportunity to focus my energies elsewhere in my off hours.

As for my relationship with Chris, I realized that I was allowing the ghosts of relationships past to plant seeds of doubt in my present, which I cannot permit.  I am still getting to know Chris, his nuances and quirks, his communication style, and so on.  I must get rid of all preconceived notions that his behavior has a certain meaning if I am basing it on the past actions of someone else.  It’s not fair to either of us for me to pre-assign meaning or assume I know his motivations.  (That goes for everyone, certainly not just Chris.)  I’m very happy where we’re at today, and I’m not worried about the ‘what if’s’ of tomorrow.

When I take time to pause, to ponder the perfection of where I am at today – in all facets of my life – then there is no need to worry about whether things are “right” or “wrong”.  There is no right and wrong, really.  Today simply is, just as I simply am.  If I can release my expectations, embrace the moment and make the most of it, then I can live free from fear, frustration, and boredom.