What a year!

2010 was an incredible year; in fact, the best year of my life!  I moved into a new home, started a new job, entered into a relationship with a wonderful man, and most importantly, reclaimed my life.

The past:

2008 and 2009 were the two worst years of my life.  I hated my job; felt geographically and emotionally isolated from everyone that mattered, and was financially busted.  I feel lucky that I even survived those years, as the depth of my despair was such that I spent many days wanting to die.  Fortunately, I am blessed to be stubborn (which is just another word for determined), so that I ultimately refused to give into the hopelessness that plagued me.

September 2009

The level of pain I was experiencing became so great that I could no longer bear it.  I started to make small changes to turn things around…eating better, exercising, reading inspirational, thought-provoking books, as well as evaluating and reassessing several long-time relationships.  It was a start, however small and slow.  I was moving in the right direction.

February 2010

Enter Chris…a friend from the past, and the unexpected catalyst that propelled me forward at light speed.  We met for dinner to get caught up, as it had been over a year since we had last spoken.  I had no idea that dinner would lead to a kiss that led to a relationship that forced to me face my worst fears.  My fear of hurt.  My feel of rejection.  My fear of failure.  For a decade, I had beaten myself up; reliving every mistake, every bad decision, every failure to the point that I completely lost confidence in myself.  I no longer believed in my ability to make a good decision.  I felt worthless, a complete and utter failure. 

But something had changed.  Despite my overwhelming instinct to run away, I knew I could not.  This man sparked something in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time (maybe ever).  With Chris, I suddenly felt accepted without judgment; I felt connection on a deeper level; I felt passion that had been long buried.  In order to make this work, I suddenly realized that I could no longer live in fear.  I remember the day vividly…sitting in my living room and suddenly becoming overwhelmed with fear.  What am I doing?  I must be a fool!  He’s going to reject me!  I’m going to get hurt again!!  Thank God, something triggered within my soul, and at that moment I decided I would no longer live in fear!  I wrote in my journal of my determination to release my fear, along with an affirmation confirming my new-found belief.  I decided from that moment on that I would be open to the possibilities that life has to offer, accepting that hurt and failure are inherent risks in doing so.  If I got hurt or failed, I knew it would not be the end.  It’s not possible to live your life fully if you’re not taking any risk.

I had no idea at that moment what an incredibly profound decision I had just made.

This decision, this release, was like opening a floodgate within my soul.  Years of negativity were released…bitterness, anger, hurt, mistrust began to melt away.  Other unexpected changes accompanied it.  I no longer felt the need to comfort myself with food, as I had been doing for years.  I lost twenty pounds right away, seemingly without trying.  I became more active (roller skating – credit that one to Chris! – biking, walking), and began to enjoy the way it made me feel in body and mind.  I rediscovered myself – the joyous, optimistic person that I had once been, and frankly, thought had disappeared for good.  I truly never thought I could reclaim that part of myself.  (It is still tremendous when I stop to think of it, and brings to tears to me eyes even as I type.)  I felt like a new person. 

The next few months with Chris were up and down.  Our relationship ran hot and cold, which was hard to deal with.  I knew he wasn’t ready for our relationship, but it took me longer than I’d like to admit to accept that.  Mid year, we parted ways.  It was painful, but I knew it was for the best.  I’ve learned so many amazing things this year, one of which is that you cannot force these things, no matter how badly you want it.  (You know the adage, if you love something, set it free…)  So, I let go, but I now believed in my heart that there was someone wonderful waiting in my future.

At this point, the circumstances of my life had not changed, but I had changed.  I could endure my job, because I now knew there was a better one coming at some point.  I could endure living farther out than I preferred, because I now realized it was temporary.  Everything changes in due time.  (Don’t get me wrong, I still had – and have – bad days.  I am human, after all, not some Pollyanna.)  I became happy in spite of my circumstances.

October 2010

Guess what?  Doors started to open…I found a new position within my company, one better suited towards my talents and strengths.  I moved into a new home and no longer feel isolated.  And most unexpectedly, Chris came back into my life, and it’s better than ever.  Though my life is still not and never will be perfect, I could not ask for more at this moment.  I am so grateful for the lessons I’ve learned this year, and amazed at the obstacles I’ve been able to overcome.  I share this with you not to brag on my accomplishments – truly, I could not have done it without the grace of God – but to tell you that you can do it, too.  I understand what it’s like to be on the bottom, but I am here to tell you that you don’t have to stay there.  Start with something small.  Pick a positive mantra and cling to it!  (Mine was Believe, which is now tattooed on my wrist!)  Most importantly, don’t give up!

Never, never, never give up – Winston Churchill

…God's perfect love takes away fear – 1 John 4:18 (WE)